Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
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