Kiss
Puke
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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