He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
