I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
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Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
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Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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