it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
