Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
