the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.