is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I'm just crazy horny about you
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I have so many feelings about this burrito