The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
