No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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