Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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