Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
