if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
