Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I look better un-naked...
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I'm getting married
To pizza
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
