Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
