alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
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If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
This toilet bowl is my home.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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