On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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