You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
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Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
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The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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