we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
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