The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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