Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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