Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
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