I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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