I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
