i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
