I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
