My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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