I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
