she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
