my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
