I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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