i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
