Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Just invented taco cereal.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
