Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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