you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
