He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize