It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
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