Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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