She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
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I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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