I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
