I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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