Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
