So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
