haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
