I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Randomize
