He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
