I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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