It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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