I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
