she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
