wakey wakey hands off snakey
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
