she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
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