my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
