Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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