my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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