Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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