I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
