just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
