i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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