The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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